Things I have learned

Things I have learned living in Bakersfield:

There are 10000 types of snakes in the United States and they all live here.

There are 50000 types of spiders in the United States and they all live in my back yard

People who are bitten by Rattlesnakes are either deaf, fucking idiots or Security Officers

If you want to kill 100 security guards, drop a bomb on a GED adult school class

I am confident of the 200 people who work for me one of them could get into the guiness book of world record for being the dumbest person on the planet

It might even be a tie

To stupid to live should be a legal sentence

Herring fart to communicate

The people who played c3po and r2do don't like each other

Yoda was based on Albert Einstein

You can't lick your elbow

The flush toilet was invented by Alexander Cummings - - not Thomas Crapper.

Never tie a brick to a cow's tail to prevent her from swatting you when you're milking her.

Old drunk people know some really weird shit

I am tasty to mosquitos

Mosquitos that taste me will call friends

Fly killer does not work on mosquitos

Mosquitos suck

No matter how hot it gets there is always some asshole who will say, "Is it hot enough for you?"

You may only say it is hot when the thermometer can no longer rise as it is out of numbers

Rednecks really are that stupid

This is a quote from an angry redneck "Rednecks are not stupid. In the bountiful ignorance of most city folk, they have confused ignorance with stupidity and proven my point themselves. There are old rednecks in these hills that never went past the second grade that have more knowledge in the head than most of those acedimic boobs that profess to be "educated"....yes, he said acedimic

God really does hate trailer parks...thank god

Despite the 7 billion oil wells and 4 major refineries here in Bakersfield, gas must be delivered and we have some of the highest prices in the nation

The rules of the road do not apply here...bigger has the right of way

There is valid reason for people to use razor wire

You can actually use both the A/C and heating switch in a single day

festivals appear to always be named after a damn vegtable or fruit

"Goin Wal-Mart-in" is actually something people do

No matter where I get my truck stuck, it will be less than 3 minutes before someone comes by with a 4 wheel drive truck and a tow strap and wants to pull me out

A Ford F-150 can actually be a status symbol

I am glad I own a gun

Natural selection needs to work faster

"Hey y'all watch this" is always worth watching and usually an ambulance is involved

Rain can prevent anyone from driving over 12 MPH.

To remove Christmas tree sap from your hands, wash them with cooking oil before using soap and water

Ive learned that when bowling, in Bakersfield, a strike counts when it occurs in any lane, not just where it is first dropped.

I have also learned that advertizers are lame. A product may claim to reduce panic attacks in social contexts. There will be side effects. A dry mouth, digestive imbalance, head ache and possible impaired sexual function. Great... you'll be licking your lips, have a confused colon, with a pounding head ache and be possibly impotent, but at least you'll be able to confidently describe these problems to others.

Some people really belive that driving a car in circles takes some for of skill other than the ability to make a left and hold the gas pedal down.

...and finally

Some people actually think bull riding is a sport and not just something you dare your friends to do.