Things I can't do at work

Not sure why, but I keep being asked for things "I can't do" lists. First I should remind all of you reading this, that in my office I am the boss and can't get in trouble unless my boss shows up and he is a couple hundred miles away...you may want to remember that before attempting those. Also, some of the things I have put as things I can't do, really should not be done again....they didn't pan out so well the first time! Further, I have found that things I do to my friends and children do not always work the way I want them too...make sure yours are expendable before trying.

THINGS I CAN'T DO AT WORK:

I will not put dry ice in computer towers of my co-workers

I will not give corrective counseling to my employees from under my desk.

To get out of work I will not scream, "OH MY GOD THEY FOUND ME!" and run out of my office.

I will not form a pentagram of candles around my computer prior to payroll upload to chase away demons.

People who tell me they need Sunday off for religious reasons should not be told, " The bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat".

When someone does something wrong in the office I am not allowed to, "Let me show you how we would handle your failure in the Army."

I am not allowed to have a sign in my training room that says, "Sarcasm is a free, value added feature we offer our officers" or "Better living through denial...yes, you are a rent a cop".

When new officers are nervous around me I am not allowed to say, "Don't worry I have forgotten your name as well."

"Okay, i'm sorry, UN-fuck you" will not get you out of trouble.

After taking a class called Civil Treatment for Employees I will not send a thank you card to the instructor saying, "I'm cured!"

'"He's doesn't have an ulcer, but I think he is a carrier" is not an appropriate review of an employee.

I will not page myself over the intercom

I will not sign off my e-mails to my boss with (_?_) just because he doesn't know what it means.

THINGS I CAN'T DO TO MY WOMAN:

While at the zoo, I will not hold leaves behind my woman's head to see how long a giraffe tongue is.

After sex I am not allowed to yell, "Ok guys, thats a wrap. Print it!"

When going to therapy I am not allowed to use a hard on as personal growth

RANDOM THINGS I CAN'T DO:

I am not allowed to drive through a drive through naked.

I am not allowed to have my woman speak seductively and suggestively speak into the drive through speaker and then hide when we pull up.



ok....more later