Because I am at work, and NOT at war!!!

Things I am not allowed to do at my shop…..



I am not allowed to hand a hammer to someone who says, “I just don’t know what to do with him”.

I am not allowed to run my hand scanner over a man with a terrible comb over trying to find out what he is worth.

I am not allowed to spray children with Febreeze

I am not allowed to perform mock exorcisms on bad children…or real ones

I am not allowed to wear stickers I find at Albertson. Especially if it says, “Take Me Home, I'm Delicious"….nor am I allowed to apply them to my customers

“The worst STD you can catch” is not pregnancy and I am not allowed to tell pregnant women that a little Motrin will clear that swelling right up.

Obnoxious children are not “Future sacrifices for the Master”

When asked where the party room is by white trash mom and her hoodlum child, I am not allowed to point toward Pump-it-Up.

There is no such thing as a bouncing baby boy…they just kind of splat

I am not allowed to ask husbands with bitchy wives , “What bet did you lose?”

I am not allowed to correct a gaggle of talking women even if what they discussing defies the laws of physics

Nor should I reference hitting any of them with a “Clue-by-four”

I am not allowed to tell small children who just grab food off the counter that I am Islamic and now, “By the Law of God, I get to cut off your hand!”

I am not allowed to ask mothers if I can use their children on posters advocating birth control.

“A little childhood trauma builds character.” Is never the answer.

After a child slips on the tile floor from water he poured on it, I am not allowed to say, “So I guess your vote for the new indoor skating rink is no?”

I am not allowed to hand sales calls to Anthony … or Legend

I am not allowed to offer to teach detestable children how to smoke

I should not tell the bitchy office worker to put her child’s photo on her computer and then hand her a few magnets to hold it in place.

When people ask me for a discount before they ask how much it is, I am not allowed to say, “Sure!” and then add $2

I am not allowed to mouth bad words at children….or insults….or threats

Hand sanitizer does not “Keep Satan out”

I am not allowed to offer a child money to kick the crap out of another child

I am not allowed to take pictures of children and their parents and send them to epicfail.com

I am not allowed to tell children I don’t like that hand sanitizer tastes like ice cream

...AND IN CASE YOU MISSED THE LAST ONES

I will not shuffle around in my socks on the carpet and prove to children that I AM "THOR GOD OF THUNDER!"

When asked by women what I would do with their snotty 2 year old brat I will not respond, "Send him to Tailand, business class, and let him make some real money".

When asked for my vast experience in childhood behavior as to what will help her child calm down, I will not respond "Exorcism"

I am not allowed to forward collection calls from Chase Visa to India so they can see first hand the bang up job india is doing with their complaint calls.

When told on the phone that "This is an effort to collect a debt and this call may be monitored" I will not reply with "Cool, now you and the FBI have something in common".

Children are not Satan's greatest gift to man

I may not raffle off children whose parents are not watching them

I will not refer to men who come in by themselves with children as having "Feminine Issues"

I will not tell children I don't like that Santa hates them

When asked by desperate single mothers as to what I did prior to this I will not respond with "In flight Missle Mechanic".

I will not trip running children to help explain to Jayde the principles of gravity

I will not answer the shop phone as "Child Protective Services" and when they say they called the wrong number say "No, no, I was calling you".