Alexander the Lone Wolf

…and so the saga beings of Alexander the Lone Wolf



Men must face many challenges in life. Some of them are life changing. I am now facing mine.



I awoke to my female finishing her last minute packing for a weeklong trip. It was at this moment that I noticed the horrific truth to my situation…Breakfast was not being made! I knew my frail form was not going to survive to long without food. I immediately began to use the skills I had gained in my 10 years of military infantry training to ensure my survival.



“Baby, you gonna make breakfast before you leave?” I said, with BOTH puppy dog eyes in full use.



“I’m sorry baby, I didn’t have time to buy bacon yesterday and I still have to get both boys ready for you before I leave for my flight.”



The situation was worse than I could have ever imagined.



I dragged my half starved carcass down the stairs making it to the bottom by the luck of the gods. When I got to the bottom of the chasm I saw my worst nightmare. Standing between me and the kitchen stood the legendary 2 year old “Legend” in a t-shirt and a diaper that you couldn’t miss. With blazing speed he pointed to his diaper and with all my might I pointed upstairs to mom.



He looked at the stairs and he knew….as any man knows…and without saying a word he said to me, “there is no way I am going up the stairs when I don’t have to”. We locked eyes. I stood bravely pointing upstairs. He knew I was bluffing and began to wail like a banshee. The female upstairs immediately hearing, flung horrific words down at me that might as well have been boulders. “Sweetheart, can you change him, I am really behind schedule.”



I was trapped between reality and no lie at hand. Using my razor sharp man brain I quickly stunned my 4 year old with, “Hero can you run upstairs and get daddy a diaper and some wipes” hoping to cut my workload in half.



He looked at the stairs….and he knew...

He quickly defended my assault by crying his little eyes out and plunking himself down on his rear end. Luckily for me the 4 year old understands english so I quickly attacked again. “Daddy will give you some money if you go get a diaper and some wipes”. I could see my assail had dazed him. The room went silent. I held my breath as I waited to see if he was smart enough a creature to ask “how much” or if he would simply take the bait. He eyed the stairs for what seemed an eternity. Lazy or money, the immortal question every man must someday answer. He then stared hard into my eyes. I tried to fight back the fear, but I knew he sensed it…they all sense it. As if a nightmare coming to an end the silence was broken as the tiny demon howled “ok” and ran upstairs. I was alive….for now.



With one child dispatched and the other lulled into a false sense of security I raced to the kitchen. Hoping if I could put enough distance between me and the soggy one I might stand a chance.



I made it to the fridge and opened it to see boxes, cartons and bowls from top to bottom. It was as I feared. Nothing to eat. I opened the pantry. Again it was full of nothing to eat.



“Baby, there are some eggs you can cook. Your mom picked some up yesterday”. My female said. Her ovarian tracking device working perfectly as she knew exactly where I was.



Eggs. I remember eggs. I think once, long ago, I may have cooked one…but now they were just a mystery. I opened the refrigerator and with my shrewd man thinking found a box labeled “eggs”.

“I wonder if this is them” I said to myself as I grabbed the box. I opened it to find a bunch of oval white hard things. Like any man would, I picked one up and put it in the middle of my hand and tried to crush it. Nope, no way to get into one of these. I put the carton back. The egg mystery continues.



My search for food was cut short as the runner had returned and the soggy one stood with him. I will spare the reader of my saga the horrific details that came next. I am not proud of what happened. I can only say, I survived. My soul will never be the same.



“Are you going to cook yourself something hun?” Came from upstairs.



“I don’t know if I am hungry enough”. I lied back.



Not hungry enough. Not hungry enough! That is like those wafer thin little bitches who say, “I just forgot to eat”. I have forgotten my wallet. I have forgotten my car keys. I have even forgotten my kids. I have never ever forgotten to eat! It was then that I remembered the famous words of Carl Karcher who said, “Without us some men would starve”. True dat…true dat. I decided I would go to a food giver place on my way to work.



Alexander the Lone Wolf was once again happy. With mental determination I was confident I was going to survive my morning. This was going to be a rough journey….but maybe…just maybe…I will make it.



The sage continues….