Things I can't do to my employees

For some reason you guys seem to love things “I am not allowed to do”...so...you asked for it...here it is. Things I can't do to my employees:

I am not allowed to add things to my staffs day planners such as, "Date with John to see Broke Back Mountian."

I am not allowed to babble incoherently at an employee then ask, "Did you get all that, cause I don't want to repeat it".

I am not allowed to schedule "Potential Client Meetings" for my staff that are actually "Gay Rights Conventions".

I am not allowed to convince my Human Resources Manager that we are so tight on money that she needs to reuse her staples.

When asked if I can staple something to help out, I am not allowed to staple it in the middle of the paper just to make sure they don't ask again.

I am not allowed to tape the ball on the underside of a my employee's mouse

I am not allowed to put garlic in the phone handset and try to keep my employees on the phone

I am not allowed to use the office intercom to tell people I am God and that they displease me with their efforts.

I am further not allowed to use the intercom to tell people I am God and the only way they are getting into heaven is to kill my boss.

I am not allowed to wait for new employees to use the microwave, walk in and scream "my pace maker" then fall over clutching my chest.

I am not allowed to ask new employees to fill out "Death Waivers" for the new post we have.

I am not allowed to give copies of the Watch Tower to new employee and ask where there soul will go if they die tomorrow

While interviewing potential employees, I am not allowed to correct my name more than twice, especially if they get it right.

While interviewing potential employees, I am not allowed to take powered sugar from donuts and put it around my nose.

I am not allowed to draw on my employees.

Super hot coffee should be taken orally not “applied liberally” to help prevent sleeping.

I am not allowed to light my officers on fire...even if it is to wake them up. Also, when they don’t catch on fire I am not allowed to refer to them as Flame RETARDant.

According to my Human Resources Manager, I am not allowed to try and sell black employees as used farm equipment on E-bay, even if they are worthless.

According to my Human Resources Manager, Hispanic employees that help fill in shifts and work a ton of hours for me are not “Magic Beans”.

According to my Human Resources Manager, I cannot call the Caucasian employees I have working banks, “Safe Crackers”.

I am not allowed to tell employees that if they can’t get it done in the first 24 hours that they should work nights.

I cannot put on a letter of recommendation “A prime candidate for natural selection.”

I cannot put on an employee evaluation “If he were any dumber you would have to water him.”

I should not tell employees that they put the “K” in quality.

I cannot call my Regional Office and tell them I am going to miss a meeting because I was looking for my boss’ coffin to drive a stake through his heart REAL late last night.

I am not allowed to tell my employees to look it up at www.spca.com when they ask about breaks, pay rates and work conditions.

I am not allowed to move post it notes on my employees desk just to make them feel crazy.

I am not allowed to take medical equipment to the homes of my employees that call in sick.

Being sick is not defined as you can't walk or you're in the hospital.

I cannot tell security officers that only "pussies" call for back up.

There is no "Officer Exchange Program" and I should not send officers to the LA office with no way of return.

I am not allowed to forward phone calls from employees I don't like to - 900 numbers, time, weather, FBI, CIA, White House Information Center, Sprint Call Center or any overseas numbers.