Things I can't say at the Wild

When asked what I do by a cop I cannot answer, “I blow shit up”



When asked, “What are you buying next for the kids” I cannot answer, “Ritalin”



When asked, “Do you know what the worst part about my children is?” I cannot answer, “You can’t return them”



When talking to a father who has a NASCAR shirt on I cannot say, “Let me break this down into something you can understand. In car terms you child is like a flat tire on the last turn of the indy 500. There’s a big problem and I am pretty sure someone is gonna beat him”.



When an overtly religious woman tells me, “You should never raise your hand to a child”, I cannot respond with, “Yeah, I know, it leaves your groin totally open”



When asked, “What do you think the fastest way to get a child’s attention is?” I cannot respond, “sit down and look comfortable”



When overhearing a LeLuche meeting (breast feeding group) and someone says, “Do you what the most appealing feature is of breast feeding?” I will not interrupt with, “The attractive containers it comes in?”



When asked by a little brat, “Will Santa be here this year?” I will not respond, “Yep, but he told me he doesn’t want to see you”.



When asked by a parent if I know if there any problems with a particular play pen, I will not reply, “Yeah…it only works if you use it upside down”.



When asked by a mom, “Can you help me catch my child?” I will not respond with, “Yeah…let me go get my pepper spray.” And then run off to the back of the shop laughing wildly.



I will not call fathers who come into my shop, “Puff Daddies”



When a 4 year old little girl keeps taking her shirt off I will not tell her, “You must keep your shirt on until you are in college hun…those are the rules here.”



After being told by a very old fashioned woman that working at a child play center is not very dignified work for a “Trained killer” such as myself and that to always remember dress for the job I want, I will not start taking my clothes off and tell her, “Well hell, I have always wanted to work in porn”.



When asked what kind of plants we have hanging from the ceiling I will not respond with “Boston ivy, English ivy and some Cannabis Sativa way up there where the cops can’t see it”.

I will remember that “Bone us” and “Bonus” sound the same. (It’s too long a story to write, but I am sure you can come up with your own joke that is just as funny).



…and today in honor of April Fools Day



I am not allowed to tell mothers of Demons that, “You child is an Angel” and when she says, “Really?!?” I will not yell, “April Fools!”