Having a bad day

It has been a while since I have had time to post any new blogs, so tonight I thought since I can't sleep I would give try to give you all a double dose.

I shall recount for you ..A bad day...

I got up that morning feeling a little under the weather. This was due to my supplicant, who shall now be referred to as "Rat…bringer of plague". As per usual he strived to be way below my standard and was not able to prevent his incessant breathing while contagious and in my presence.

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Before I got out of bed I popped in a soothing Halls cough drop and began to get ready for work. During this process I was continuously hassled by my thumbless cat who meowed and meowed at me. Her no stop bitching gave me a head ache almost instantly. I ignored her and continued to get ready for work, but my head was now pounding. I managed to get ready and went down stairs. I was just about to leave when I thought I should grab more Halls for work. I began to run upstairs. However….my foot missed a fucking step and… I…. fell…. Up….. the stairs. Yes, you read that correctly, I actually fell up the god damn stairs. I had generated enough speed behind my massive girth to continue to plow forward despite the fact that I had missed a step and was now using my face as a carpet break for the rest of my body.



Needless to say a little carpet burn on my face was not about to stop me from going to work. So……off to work I went….with a carpet burn on my face and a pocket full of Halls.



Once I arrived at work I was sad to find out that one of my favorite, female officers needed to be fired. I won't go in to why, other than to say she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I told my scheduler to call her in so I could fire her. In the middle of answering my one billion e-mails a day, I had to go to the bathroom. I decided to hold it for just a moment while I finished the e-mail I was on. Just as I was getting ready to go I was told that the woman I needed to fire had just arrived. Not wanting to keep her waiting just so I could fire her, I told my staff to send her in. I popped a Halls into my mouth to help my dry throat and prepared for this harsh task.



When I terminate someone I have a prepared speech that I have given many times in the past. This was to be no exception. I began my speech and in the middle of the speech had a moment that could only be described as "a moment of pity". I could see she was about to cry. My words stopped and a long dramatic pause took place. I breathed in a heavy sigh. At this time I also sucked a fucking Halls into my wind pipe. I tried not to freak out despite the immediate desire to panic. I did however make a small "blckkkk' noise which got the attention of my employee. I immediately held a piece of paper of my mouth and nose to hide the hideous face I was uncontrollable making. As she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and I slowly lowered the paper and gave her what I am sure must have been a very unusual smile. It took everything I had to fight back my gag reflex and not launch a lemon flavored projectile at my soon to be former employee. Tears began stream down my face like a waterfall and I am sure I was turning a deep shade of red if not purple. My employee, touched by my tears and what she felt was an obvious attempt to not show my sadness, began to comfort me by saying, "It's ok Mr. Acton, I know this is hard for you. Just take a deep breath with me and we will both get through this." At that moment there was nothing I would have rather done than take a deep breath with her. Knowing I needed to dislodge my tiny cough/air suppressant drop I picked up my paper again and covered my mouth. I then aimed my mouth at my desk and in one motion drove my fist into my own stomach.



I played pool for almost 10 years straight in the military and not once did I make a bank shot as good as I did that day. The Halls droplet shot from my mouth and ricocheted off my desk and hit my employee in the cheek. I would have said I was sorry, but at that very moment, perhaps due to the muscle strain of the event, I felt urine heading for the exit in my lower regions. I of course slammed my now buckling knees together to prevent this. This sent me under my desk. My employee for some reason assumed I just spit in her face and then hid under my desk. (of course…that's what all bosses do.) She stormed out of my office cussing and moaning the entire way. I am sure she will forget the whole thing soon. I would imagine as soon as my attorney settles with her, I won't hear about it again.



I picked myself up off the floor, still with a death grip on my penis to prevent myself from soaking the inside of my pants, and began to move quickly toward the bathroom. As I was walking that way I was actually asked by another employee who apparently didn't care that I was holding my dick "Mr. Acton, do you have a second?" which I immediately replied, "Yeah, but only just" and continued to run for the bathroom. Luckily I was able to make it to the bathroom without any water incidents.



On my return, I was feeling a bit down for shooting an employee in the face with my saliva laden, hard candied, projectile, and thus I decided that I would go back and treat the next employee that came in to my office with kindness.



The next employee in my office wanted to know why he had been suspended. I explained to him in the kindest way that I could, that leaving post in your personal vehicle while leaving the company vehicle with the lights on, motor running and doors open was against company policy. He didn't understand what the issue was because everyone THOUGHT he was there…that is why he left all the lights and motor running on his vehicle. Needless to say, not much kindness was divvied out.



However, just to make sure my day was a complete loss, I accidentally send a joke e-mail to my boss. This wouldn't have been so bad on most days, but lucky me, I happen to send him a joke e-mail titled "10 ways to make the boss think you are working"