Karma's a bitch!

After a really long week, last night, I was making fun of my cat for not having thumbs (Don't ask…it's been a LONG week.). Apparently this didn't sit well with my Rottweiler who began to growl at me for picking on the cat. This of course changed my focus of verbal assaults to the dog who I began to make several racial slurs regarding her color. After several minutes of growling and a slew of racial dog and cat slurs I felt good. I knew at that very moment I was the mental master of my room. (Get off me people, it has been a long week and I am taking the small victories!)

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While lying on my bed feeling lusty and confident with my recent victory I noticed a trail of ants in my bathroom. Instantly I heard the call to battle and jumped up grabbed the can of Ant Killer and began the attack. On my first pass I strafed the column wiping out the rear supply lines. On my second strafing run I got the rest of the column. (yes, I actually made the plane noise and fired the spray looking over my finger between the two dips in the cap as if it was an aiming sight) Feeling mighty and secure, but just a little let down, I stood over the destruction impressed with my handy work. It was at this point that I noticed one lone ant trying to get away. At first I thought "eh…just let him go", but then my military training took over and I realized he could get reinforcements.



Ladies….this is where you may begin to laugh as the slapstick comedy injuries I sustained began.



Moving forward quickly, I raised the can to so I could bull's-eye the one lone survivor ant. However, as I stepped forward my foot hit the previous line of spray I had just unleashed.



I don't know if any of you have ever stepped in ant spray while barefoot on a tile floor, but it tends to get a bit slippery.



One foot, then the other shot out from under me. Now, when I say they shot out from under me, I don't mean I took a little tumble as my feet slipped. I mean my feet literally both left the ground leaving me in some twisted, Olympic diver, swan dive pose, heading face first for the floor.



Let us not forget that I was holding the can to my face so I could look through the "gun sight" to kill the ant.



Luckily I turned the can just in time so that when my head piledrived into the floor it hit the round part of the can rather than the pointy bits. Sadly after smashing my face into the ant sprayed floor the can squished out from the sandwich effect that had been caused by my forehead and the tile.



The can rolled forward, hit the wall and then began to roll slowly back towards me and my smashed face. This got the attention of the thumbless cat who went sprinting for the moving object next to my head. When her paws hit the wet ant death floor she launches herself skyward in what could only be called a "scared cat jump". As anyone who owns a cat will tell you, when they are startled that jump all but straight up and look for something to land on….claws out. Apparently the only thing that look safe enough for her to land on was my head. In one swift motion the cat was able to accomplish landing, jamming her claws into the back of my head, crushing my face back into the tile, and leaping away to safety so I can't reach her and KILL HER.



Me entire face hurt; with the exception of my lips which had ant killer on them…they were going numb. Still, I wanted to kill my cat and despite her speed she was not going to get away. I got up and ran after her. This is the point where I began to realize that I had, at some point, also gotten ant killer in my eyes and was beginning to be blinded. Figuring my sight was more important than killing the cat I went back to the sink and began to flush my eyes out with water. It seems to work, but things were a little blurry.



I turned and reached for a towel to clean the watery-acid off my face, when I swear, out of spite, the damn thumbless cat had returned and gotten under my foot. Once again causing me to slip and fall. This time I managed to grab to super secure and OH SO STRONG towel racks to prevent my fall. Needless to say and in an interesting twist of irony I ripped both towel racks out of the wall, fell on my face again and had two towels land on my head.



I propped myself up against the wall and wiped off my face. After I assessed the damage to my head, figuring I could take a few more shots to the melon before I was down for the count, I planned my next attack. It wasn't over cat….oh no…not yet.



The cat sat mocking me from the carpet in the other room with mixtures of purring and meowing.



I slowly got up looking for a weapon. As I was in my bathroom, the only thing I could find that I thought would give me the desired effect was some of Jessica's old hair spray. I began running for the cat, focused on her every move. She was not going to get away!

Sadly, I was paying so much attention to the cat, that I missed the 90lbs of Rottweiler walk in front of the doorway. Tripping on "nigga" as I was so lovingly calling her earlier, I again went airborne. Luckily for me I have moved my bed just far enough away from the bathroom that I didn't land on my double stuffed, pillow top mattress. I did however, come crashing down onto the carpet.


Just in case this case this was not enough upon landing I did also manage to spray hair spray onto my toes. In case you are wondering….it does not feel good