What's wrong with a Snugli

Yesterday was my anniversary with my beloved woman. We have both been working 10 to 12 hours days, 7 days a week, trying to get our shop up and running. Needless to say we are both a bit frazzled. Since we don't have any money, my gift was going to be letting her sleep in. I thought it would be nice if I took both kids to the shop with me early in the morning and let her sleep in. An arduous task to be sure. Still, I felt I would be up to the task, especially since we had just purchased a Snugli.

The Snugli is the perfect way for a child to travel. It holds up to 35 lbs. and is built with child and parental comfort in mind. This baby carrier will become a big part of your traveling life. With the child strapped to your chest you have your hands free to accomplish other activities…..or at least that is what it says on the box

I assumed that with my new Snugli I would be able to have Legend "strapped to my chest with my hands free to accomplish other activities" and I would let Anthony play as he normally does at the shop.

Problem 1

With Snugli and baby firmly attached to me I walked into the shop with confidence and began to go about my normal opening activities. What they neglect to tell you on the box is that with a child as big as Legend strapped to your chest his arms are almost as long as mine. In fact I only had about an inch reach on him. Every single thing I walked past that was not nailed down the damn baby would grab. He would then hold it at the extent of his range which was just barely in my range to try and grab back. For anyone who has ever had a child, I don't have tell you how hard it is to take something away from a baby. For those of you who have never had the pleasure of having a child it is the equivalent of wrestling a chimpanzee. Not only are they freakishly strong for their size, but you might get bit, pee'd on, hit with feces, kicked or poked in the eye…and that is when they are right in front of you. However, Legend was not right in front of me he was strapped to my damn chest (like an angry little Kuato for those of you who remember Total Recall!) and that had really leveled the playing field as far as my normal size and strength advantage went. It didn't really get bad until my retarded ass gave him my car keys to play with while I was dealing with a customer.

Problem 2

The "built with child AND PARENT comfort in mind" Snugli also neglected to mention that while the secondary set of arms I have strapped to my chest is held firmly in place it also gives him a really outstanding platform to kick from as his feet hang at testicle level. So here I am talking with a customer when Legend slams both his feet into my groin. Needless to say I doubled over in pain (making sure that I didn't hit the baby's head on the counter, which with hindsight is now debatable as to whether that was a good move or not. Perhaps it would have knocked the little demon out.) When I am finally able to erect myself, legend then throws the keys in his hand backwards and hits me in the face much like a medieval flail sending me reeling the other direction.

I can only imagine what the person on the other side of the counter was thinking as I disappeared from sight twice only to return with a giant welt across my face and tears running down my cheek.

Problem 3

The sturdy Snugli will hold 35lbs of weight with no problem. However, what they also don't mention on the box is anything about weight distribution. A child a big as legend strapped high on my chest makes me a bit top heavy. As I had finally recovered from the nut shot and flail to the face I tried to speak with the stunned looking woman at my counter. Literally as I opened my mouth to speak Legend throws himself to the right with all his weight. It was as if the tiniest judo expert on the planet had jumped on my chest and performed a hip toss. I felt my center of gravity shift beyond the point of being able to recover gracefully. Knowing I was going down my instinct was of course to be concerned for the baby. I wrapped one arm around the baby and the other in front to make sure that if I did fall I would be able to deflect the impact with my arm. Being a fighter however my other instinct was to not "go down" at all. With a bit of a hip twist and a hop I managed to get my feet under me in a very wide horseback riding stance. Although my legs were under me, I still had momentum. Rather than save myself from falling what I did was give myself a very unique and painful physics lesson. With my legs now slightly further apart than shoulder width and my arms tucked around the baby who had made me top heavy I created what I will call the human fulcrum effect. With my legs a solid lever point my body swung toward the ground. I brought all my back muscles to bear in an effort to stop my head from hitting the floor. Although I wanted to let go of my child and protect my face from hitting the floor, my paternal instinct refused to let the little shit go. It felt as if I was in a slow motion car crash but despite all muscle flexing, Newton's laws of physics won out and my face impacted with the carpet. There I stood like an unsual tripod. Sheer pride pulled me upward.

I returned to the counter. "Can I help you?" I said with a huff.

The now uncontrollably laughing woman at the counter composed herself for a moment and through chocked back laughter asked, "How much?"

"For the demon?" I said pointing at Legend, "Free, I will even throw in the exorcism."

We managed to conclude the business uneventfully. (Well, with the exception of Legend grabbing the money and he and I fighting momentarily for it.)

Problem 4

After about 20 minutes of me not much activity, Legend lulled me into believing he was sleeping. Another problem with the Snugli I should point out. I can't see the nut kickers little face. Watching over the kids playing in my shop I stood gently dancing to the Chipmonks playing over the sound system.

With perfect timing like a ninja assassin, in a flash Legend throws back his left hand and grabs my ear. He then pulls down with his monkey like strength. I bend over and begin twisting from the pain. A second later his hand comes free. I literally expected to see him open his little hand and find a portion of my ear in it. While I was still dazed from the pain in my ear, the nasty little cuss then throws back his right hand and grabs my lip.

Again with spinning and pain.

After I freed my lip, another woman who had just witnessed Legend trying to perform the ear and lip-ectomy said, "It he your first?"

With a sneer, I responded "Well, I raised a child last time, but this is my first imp"

At this point I am ready to design my own Snugli. It will look more like a caterpillar cocoon with breathing holes and will be specifically designed for PARENTS COMFORT