I love the beach

Every so often I am reminded, harshly, that I am not as young as I think I am.



Yesterday we took the family to the beach. Despite loving the beach it has been some time since I have gone to the beach. More importantly it has been a long time since I have tried to boogie board at the beach.

For those of you not familiar with boogie boards or bodyboards, also known in surfing slang as a 'sponge', it is a form of wave riding consisting of a small roughly rectangular piece of foam, shaped to a hydrodynamic form. It is considered the easier cousin to surfing in which the rider usually lays on the board as opposed to a raised position.

Prior to going out, I did what any good parent would do, I put sun screen on my two sons. (Those of you who remember I also have a daughter will note that I did not say, my two sons and daughter. Father of the Year award – FAIL), laid out my towels prepared for my return and made sure the Cheetos would be close when I came back as I remember how hungry this used to make me.

As I prepared paddled out to face the waves, flashes of my youth jumped into my head. Days of easy waves and sunny rays gave me a nostalgic warm feeling. Which was a good thing because the damn water was freezing! I can only assume that global warming caused an iceberg to float down and melt off Santa Monica Beach. Sure I know it would be the first time in history, but I sure as hell don't ever remember the water being this cold before. It literally felt as if someone was holding an ice cube under my testicles.

I had once read that the Samuri Warriors used to suck their testicles into their body prior to fighting to prevent being damage in that area while fighting. Although initially repulsed by the idea, I always wondered how this was done. I have found that this is actually not very difficult given the right motivation. Balls ass freezing water, apparently is the correct motivation.

With my testicles safely tucked into my body and after numerous school girl like screams I finally made it past waist deep water and began moving out to catch some waves. As if riding a bike I easily navigated the waves as I did in my youth, duck diving and over paddeling like a champ.

This is where the nostalgic-ness stopped.

The waves were small….at first. I waited laying on my board for some time until I saw a set of bigger waves coming in. Eagerly I began to paddle for my first wave and this is where things began to go horribly wrong. When I was 18 and weighed 190 pounds it did not take much to get my body going and easily slide down the belly of a wave. At 38 with basically another person strapped to my frame, I found it a BIT more difficult trying to catch the wave I was after. However, I did catch it. Unfortunately rather than riding the "belly" of the wave I found myself free falling, head first, toward the sandy bottom as I rode the crest of the wave. The board and I literally fell through the wave and the wave crashed on top of us. Just in case this was not enough, my 6'2" slightly fluffy frame pile drived the tip of my board into the sand which disappeared somewhere behind me. This was followed by my face hitting the sandy bottom with my body stacked up on top of it. Luckily I picked a big enough wave to remove me from the bottom of the ocean and flip me ass over tea kettle about 372 times before I was finally able to right myself and come up for air. In a further great stroke of luck, as I came up for air, my board, which was still safely attached to my wrist had been goobled up by another massive wave and ripped me off my feet as if I had been walking some colossal dog. Eventually I came to rest near the shore with the ocean blasting sandy waves up my backside.

As if the ocean had issued some kind of challenge, I picked up my board (now with a really neat crease in the middle of it) and marched back out to again try my luck. Unfortunately, the set of large waves had stopped, so I floated around until the next big set came in. As I floated around I noticed that I had a strange feeling happening around my nipple region. I rolled off my board into the water to see what was wrong and the sudden dunking in sea water began to sting the hell out of my nipples. The small roughly rectangular piece of foam, shaped to a hydrodynamic form was literally rubbing my nipples off. Before I could paddle to shore I saw the next set of big waves coming in so I diligently paddled toward them, nipples be damned.

As I went for my big wave, I had missed the fact of how easy it was to get further out and closer to the wave. This was due to a lovely rip tide that had begun. I caught my wave, correcting for fatness this time and everything seemed to be going swimmingly. However, the rip tide had caused a "counter wave" to travel away from shore. I hit this counter wave and was launched up into the air and into the white water that I had just recently been in front of. The white water immediately dunked me and once more, ass over teakettle, 372 times. Pacific Ocean 2, Alexander 0

Still, I am stubborn. Out I went once more….because this is…… fun…….. Of course I now needed to wait for another set and the ocean was not cooperating. So there I sat….floating. While floating, I suddenly see a large FIN come above the water about 100 yards from me. I forced myself not to freak out and assumed I was just seeing things. Then, I saw a freaking dorsal fin! My mind went instantly to Jaws and all I was thinking was OH SHIT, I look exactly like a fat seal floating in the water! I quickly looked around to see who else might be eaten before me. Freaking Jayde (who has been keeping one person between her and the sea all day) was way behind me. I turned to her and called her name to point out the fin to her. It was as if I had said to her, "Its you or me that is gonna be eaten." She instantly began swimming to shore leaving me to be eaten. All I began thinking at this point was "FAT MAN TO SHORE, FAT MAN TO SHORE!". I began paddling for all I was worth. Of course I was still in an area with a rip tide and that was keeping me pretty much in place. As there were no waves I literally just sat in place making BIG SPLASHES. CRAP, no I look like a fat injured seal! I looked back half expecting to see a giant Great White Shark getting ready to bite my feet off. Much to my relief I saw a dolphin jump out of the water. Calmed, I tried to look cool. I called to Jayde, who was all but 20 feet up the shore at this point.

More floating.

Before I came in, the score considerably became one sided. The Pacific Ocean kicked the crap out me for a couple of hours.

I decided to take a break and headed back to my towel. Having two sons and a daughter all playing on or around my towel had literally covered it in sand. Still, I was tired and needed to lay down, so onto the sandy towel I went, face first. It was at this point that I realized that my nipples had been totally rubbed raw and I was now sandblasting them. I decided to put my shirt on and as I did so I realized that all that floating waiting for waves had probably earned me a pretty mean sun burn.

As I lay there rubbing my chest, concerned for my back, I asked for some Cheetos only to find out they had been taken by a rough crowd of sea gulls.

On the drive home I learned the full extent of my sun burn. I wouldn't really call it a sun burn. I would call it more a Sun Torching. My back looked like the red carpet…sort of the red carpet for god.

Here is a tip for everyone. When you significant other puts Aloe with Laticane on your burnt back and it is to rough….that is when you know you have a pretty wicked sun burn.

Now a day later, I am writing about my trials and tribulations of the beach. I sit here with pulled muscles and bruises from the ocean using me as its personal bitch and I am writing because moving my fingers is the only thing that doesn't hurt due to the sun burn.

Whoop, I love the beach