So I have a baby...

Despite the fact that my wonderful female watches my newborn the majority of the day, she is also kind enough to switch off with me as we take turns watching him at night...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

On the surface this is a sound idea. However, as many sleepless nights are now in the log books I can tell you that although my woman lets me sleep, my brain does not always remember its my night off.

Picture if you will....

A few nights ago, Legend fell asleep in his car seat. Although I brought the car seat into the bedroom, I did not remove the child from his restraints as he was sleeping. (In the immortal words of Admiral Hirohito, "It is not wise to wake the sleeping giant").

My wonderful woman seeing that I was exhausted told me to sleep and that she would watch the baby that night.

I placed the entire car seat in his bed and laid down to sleep. I was out, out fast and hard.

At some ungodly hour my child decides that he is not getting enough attention from his slaves and immediately begins to lodge his complaints....loudly. Ripped from a dead sleep my brain is the first to react. I can hear my child crying and the soldier in me immediately starts the mental alert processes:

1. Find out why baby is crying!

2. Stop baby from crying!

3. GET UP!

Not knowing that my woman already has the matter well in hand, I throw the covers off and jump out of bed. My mind sharp….my body....still waking up….

With eyes, not yet open….

As I swing my feet over the bed I feel my foot land in the car seat my child had been in when I went to bed. My foot hits something soft and in a millisecond I think to myself in horror that I have just squished my child's head. Immediately I lift both my legs upward in an awkward gravity defying hop. I land in a very bizarre squatting position over the car seat coming down hard. Unfortunately for me the handle of the car seat which is mirroring the arc I have made with my legs is high enough to allow me to smash my testicles upon it. Feeling the instant surge of pain I want to fall over. Still concerned for my child's safety however, I force myself to jump attempting to make if over the car seat. I fail. I catch the bottom of my foot on the car seat which brings me crashing down to the ground….face first. My hands DO NOT, as one would think, automatically come to defense of my face. They remained locked to my lower region in an effort to ease the pain of the family jewels. I land in a perverse ass up, face down position on the floor. Knowing that I just hooked the car seat and it tipped over, I attempt to spin around to check the health of what I assume is a child with a lot of injury. My eyes are now open as I view the world in a sleep induced haze, I get to all fours and spin around toward the car seat. Totally misjudging the room I have been living in for years now, my head slams into the wall. The impact knocks me back onto my heals where I sit rubbing my head with one hand holding my balls with the other.

It is at this point I notice my woman on the other side of the room holding my child. Apparently she had placed him in his bed while I was sleeping and placed the car seat at the foot of the bed for me to take down stairs the next morning. Gosh darn she is sweet.

Remembering it was my night to sleep I climbed back into bed, with my head throbbing, my woman laughing, and returned to another restful night of sleep.

Keep an eye out folks. Many more blogs to come…I am sure