I need adult supervision

I am not a sit at home kind of person.

I have worked my entire life.

In fact in my entire life I have only had 9 different jobs because when I apply myself I usually do it with such fanaticisim that I am loved by my employer.

So, while I sit at home on my "Administrative Leave" I am faced with what to do with my days. Let me just say there is only so much looking for a new job you can do and only so many resumes you can fill out. When that ends.....I am left with the dismal proposition of being left alone with my thoughts. Anyone who knows me knows that this means trouble!

Thus I will be posting things I have learned in my home while on suspension:

1. I am faster at descending stairs than a two year old. However, not as graceful.

2. Wounds from falling down a flight of stairs do not heal at 37 like they did at 27.

3. You will get rug burn on your face falling down carpeted stairs.

4. I will scream with equal volume as a two year old when pouring anticeptic on a wound.

5. There really are people who can lick their elbows. I have SEEN it. I am not one of these people however. I can however dislocate a shoulder trying.

6. Yes, there is such a thing as a sleeping injury

7. There is no such thing as child proofing a house! Nor is there any such thing as adult proofing a house. While trying to child proof my house I shocked the shit out of myself trying to put in a plug blocker!

8. Dog food is bland

9. Brake fluid and bleach DOES make a lot of smoke

10. The fire department response time is a hell of a lot faster than the local police response time. The Sheriff's response time is fastest of all.

11. You should never raise a hand to a child. (It leaves your groin unprotected)

12. Even if no one is home, NEVER cook in the nude.

13. I can no longer leap over my sofa.

14. Despite what you might think, a soccer ball will embed in drywall rather than bounce back

15. You can actually sprain a thumb playing x-box 360

16. Lazy cats are as effective in causing injuries as military trip mines

17. Rottweilers are almost invisible at night and do not take kindly to being fallen on

18. A bullet will not go off in a microwave...it will however become very HOT

19. Yes, I can make a catapault that will hurl an egg from household items. NO I shouldn't

20. It is possible to fall UP stairs

21. A two year old in your car WILL find the garage door opener. A talented two year old will close it ON you.

22. If you lick deoderant it will suck all the moisture from your tongue

23. Astroglide is not a substitute for chapstick

24. I am capable of throwing a frisbee hard enough to knock a two year old completely off his feet.

25. I am also capable of hitting a moving cat with a frisbee

26. Rottweilers eat frisbees

27. Ant Killer is slippery on tile floors

28. Jehovah's Witnesses do not appreciate you hitting on them

29. Lost UPS delivery people are fun

30. Despite claims of "Delivering the Good Stuff", pizza hut will not deliver hookers.

31. Telemarketers don't appreciate a good sarcastic joke

32. If you sniff pepper, it will do exactly what you think it will

33. No matter how cool I think it may look, I should not trim and spike my pubic hair.

34. Saran Wrap on a toilet is only funny to me

35. Going into Wal-mart during Christmas makes me think Hitler may have had the correct solution. He just had the wrong target!

I am warning you people...this is how world dominating evil genius' start!