I found him!

...I stood staring into his eyes...speechless. All I could think to myself was that this was quite possibly the dumbest person on the planet...............and..............he worked for me...:

Earlier that day I had received a phone call from the SHERIFF's DEPARTMENT asking that I "go and discuss a matter of grave urgency with Security Officer ." I found it unusual that the Sheriff's Department called me, as opposed to us calling them…..but there it was.

I called out to the post in question and asked to speak with Officer tostupidtolive. I was told, in-between deep breaths laden with laughter that he had been trying to reach me. I was then transferred.

Security Officer tostupidtolive answered the phone and immediately says, "Thank God you called. I have been shot at!". I explained that I was already heading to the site and I then asked, "What makes you think you were shot at?"

Officer tostupidtolive immediately says, "I already called the cops and they took a statement and left"

"Yes, but what makes you think you have been shot at?" I again asked.

"I already contacted the client and he told me to call you immediately!" He blurted back

"Yes, I am sure he did…*deep sigh*….but what makes you think you have been shot at?" I once again inquired.

"WHEW! Man that was close!" He said, his voice filled with excitement.

"WHAT … MAKES….YOU …THINK…YOU…HAVE…BEEN…SHOT…AT" I asked, my voice filled with HATE.

"OH…I think an ambulance is here…" --click—

I drove to the site and when I found Officer tostupidtolive, the first thing I noted was that he was by himself. All the other people and security officers were not standing near him. If was as if he had contracted "stupid" and no one wanted to catch it.

I looked at the vehicle and noted that the drivers side window was missing. "What happened?" I asked in my calmest manager voice.

"I was shot at." He said as if someone had just given him an award.

After a very long pause was taken and I removed the concept of where to hide his body, I asked very slowly, "Hooooooowwwww wwwwwaaaaaassssss yyyyoooouuuurrrrr wwwwwiiiiiinnnnddddoooowww bbbbrrrrrokkkken!??!?!"

"It was shot."

With anger steaming off me and body language that said, "die fucker die!" I told my officer to start from the beginning.

"Well, I was driving around Jurassic Park." (This is an area that is undeveloped land. Lots of small hills, no road to speak of and despite a designated path we are suppose to follow, there is a lot of off roading.). "It was getting really dusty so I began to roll up my window. I went over a really big hill as my window reached the top and BAM! It shattered into a million pieces as someone shot at me!"

"Let us suspend reality for a minute and just address the laws of physics." I spoke at him.

"I'm suspended?" he said with a the same look a muppet has in his eyes.

"NO! Look, before one of us dies, just answer my questions yes or no. Do you understand!?" I said through gritted teeth.

"Yeah, well, but I think…."

"YES OR NO!" I cut him off. "

"Did you see this person shooting at you?" I asked.

"no"

"Did you hear a gun shot?" I also asked.

"no"

"Did you hear the round near your head?" I continued.

"no"

"Alright, you may now answer with more than just a yes or no. However, I want your answers to only be about my questions. Here we go….Did you look for an exit location?"

"A what?

"The location in which the bullet left the location. Traditionally when a bullet hits something either the bullet is lodged inside the object or there is an exit mark. Did you look for an exit mark?"

"no'

I looked in the vehicle and saw the other window intact and no marks within the cab. A bit under my breath I asked, "Did you check your skill in case it's rattling around in there?".

Apparently loud enough for him to hear he responded, "No I didn't hear anything hit my head."

"Ok….being that we know the bullet just didn't disappear…where do you think it went after it hit and broke the glass?" I asked as a kindergarten teach might question a child.

"Out the other window." He quickly answered.

"Ok…..is the other window still there." I retorted

"Yes sir, it is." He responded.

"Good. So where else could the bullet be?" I lead him.

"Um…..in the cab!" he fired at me.

"Excellent!" I said. "Have you looked in the cab?"

"Yes sir, there is nothing in there but glass" He said like schoolboy who just got an "A"

"Ok…so if there is no sign of a bullet in the cab, what do you think could have possibly happened to the window you were rolling up….while off roading….jumping over a hill….traveling at 40MPH?"

"Um….I guess I was shot at…."

...I stood staring into his eyes...speechless. All I could think to myself was that this was quite possibly the dumbest person on the planet. This is the guy that could actually put "Killed for the sake of humanity" as a ruling in a court of law. Despite the fact that killing him and burying the body would have been one small step for me and one giant leap for mankind, I allowed him to live. The only thing I can say in conclusion to this is of course this is not a real story. It didn't happen.

….and….natural selection needs to work faster!