what to say

Last week my office underwent an audit to find out exactly what could be improved upon. The person conductin this audit did not give my staff and I a sparkling review. Out of a possible 100e scored 62.534 (who the fuck narrows a test down to the thousanth!). In what I felt was a wonderous show of irony, there were literally 50 mistakes in our review. The best one for me was on the written review, numerous times, the phrase "in adequate" was used. Yes, you quessed it folks, the person conducting my review did not know that "inadaquate" was one word. As I am not able to allow a smart ass moment go by, I sent in the following remarks to my boss:

"I shall assume a mathmatical error has occured. In 12 instances the phrase "In adaqute" has been used. Although unorthodoxed phraseology I shall accept the grade as of, ( In- pref. Thoroughly. Used often as an intensive: entangle.) (Adequate- adj. Sufficient to satisfy a requirement or meet a need), to mean that I passed in these twelve areas. I would request that the grade my office received on this audit be recalculated to include the passing grade of these 12 areas. It was pointed out by my scheduler that this could have been a gramatical error, however, I quickly squashed any such rumor as I am sure anyone qualified to come to my office, spend three days combing my files, going over my reports and making corrections to my work has better than a 6th grade education."

I further pointed out this error to the auditor and during our phone conversation I may have made the insinuation that my audit was bullshit. The auditor in obvious anger suggested that I take some type of speech class. This whole conversation was then sent to my boss by the auditor with the statement, "perhaps Mr. Acton should be better educated with regards to his speech". As I am sure all of you who know me know, that if I have one problem it is talking! Again, without being able to let a smart ass moment go by I sent the following comments off:

"Dear --auditor's name/boss' name--

Thank you for your time and patience in conducting my audit as well as resolving my dispute with my review.

My comments seem to have been taking on a personal level. This was not my intent. At no point did I mean to say -- auditor's name -- was full of shit. My statement was suppose to imply that 's -- auditor's name -- audit of my branch was bullshit. bullshit (blsht) Vulgar Slang n. Something worthless, deceptive, or insincere.

However, as my heritage is English, perhaps my words were incorrectly used over the phone. I have studied http://www.speechmastery.com/ and believe I now have the appropriate instruction to better define my meaning. -- auditor's name -- is completely incompetitent. The audit performed on my branch had no more value than a truck load condoms at a lesbian convention.

I would also like to address --auditors name-- and give the opportunity for further education on the english language. If you would be so kind as to attend http://www.peevish.co.uk/slang/index.htm and look up such phrases as:

Sling your hook

Sod

Git

I believe you will understand exactly how I feel about this review."

Luckily for me I allowed my H.R. Manager to read this prior to sending it out and I instructed her to remove anything that might be considered in poor taste. I believe the final letter read:

"Dear --auditors name and boss' name--

Thank you for your time and patience in conducting my audit as well as resolving my dispute with a few portions of my review."

Some people have no sense of humor