Horsemen of Judgment Keep

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Posts : 107
Join date : 2010-05-30
Age : 43
Location : Wintermist

PostSubject: GOOooAAAALLLLLL!    Mon Jun 28, 2010 1:56 pm

Yes sport fans, that is correct...the legendary James Acton has decided to return to soccer! In an amazaing announcement last week James Acton the superstar of the sport decided to relace those old soccer shoes and get back on the field and grace the world with his talent. Not since Tony Danza's return to TV have we seen such a daring come back. The world is holding its breath to see what the outcome will be...

I haven't played soccer in about 5 years and last sunday not only did I jump back onto the pitch, but I decided I would get back into the sport playing indoor soccer. For those of you who would like the abridged version of this story I would describe my return about as good as Mike Tyson's last fight.

Apparently several things have changed since I last played soccer:

First, I had no idead about the lead weights that would be attached to my ankles. Now, I couldn't see them but I know they were there, because I sure as hell could feel them.

Second, apparently everyone...and I mean everyone on the other team was on speed or some kind of performance enhancing drug. I obviously will need to get some.

Third, a new faster and harder to kick soccer ball. This model apparently will jump out of the way of an incoming foot.

Four, five and six... There is a lot more pollution in todays air...which made my lungs burn like a damn fire. The new soccer shoes make your kicks FAR less powerful and the shirts they had must have been washed on hot.

Things that have not changed in soccer...

Pushing, tripping, kicking and spitting on someone are all still fouls.

Aiming at a referee will still get you a penalty.

Faking a heart attack to stop someone running past you is still a penalty.

Mooning the opposing bench and/or crowd is still gonna get you a yellow card.

In all honesty the game was not as bad as I thought. I did manage to score a goal and I was also successful in my biggest challange, not breaking any bones. Yet the day following the game was a different story...

At about 5AM I had to go to the bathroom. My bathroom is exactly 16 steps away from my bed. I know this because each and every single freaking step felt like I was being hit with a taser. When I tried to breath if felt like my chest was a morroca, it would shake and make this weird noise. My feet were so swollen it was like walking on hot water bottles. Ironically my knees didn't really hurt...of course I didn't really bend them at all. I simply teetered and tootered back and forth. After my 23 minute round trip from the bathroom I was faced with my next major obsticle. How the hell I was going to get back in bed. Oh sure, I could just fall back in and wake up the woman, but that would be rude. When I look back, that probably would have been the smart thing to do. I tried to bend sighly at the waist to put my hands on the bed and lower myself, however this caused a chain reation of muscle failures. First my back refused to hold my fat ass up anymore so rather than bend slightly my head plummeted toward the bed (thank god they are soft). As I was in an uncontrolled fall I put my arms out to stop me, which did about the equivelent of two tooth picks stopping a mac truck. My elbows buckeled instantly and did not slow me at all. With my head still flying face first toward the bed and as it got closer I was begining to bend at an unusual angle. This caused my knees to bend slightly. Well, slightly was all they need to completely give up in holding my weight. At this point I simply slammed face first into the bed and due to the angle I was at, it bounced me off into the computer chair my beloved usually sits in at night. My massive bulked slammed into the unyielding chair which redirected me back toward the side of the bed. I again bounced face first off the side of the bed and pin balled back and forth between chair and bed all the way to the ground. Needless to say this awoke my woman. Pride would not allow me to tell her what happened and I simply laid there out of eye sight and tried not to make to much noise. When I heard her lay back down I thougth I would pick myself back up and crawl into bed. No such luck. My muscles had gone into full blown mutany. So there I layed for several minutes until I was able to muster the strength and snake my way back into bed.

Sadly I had to go to work that day in which I was able to allow my co-workers a day of fun at my expence. The million or so jokes about being over the hill. The unstoppable laugherter as I limp down hallways. The non stop giggeling as I whimper after deep breaths.

Oh yes, it has been a glorious return.

Warlord Jayde
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