Horsemen of Judgment Keep

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Posts : 107
Join date : 2010-05-30
Age : 43
Location : Wintermist

PostSubject: FWD's   Mon Jun 28, 2010 1:46 pm

Every day, I, like you, get a thousands of junk e-mails in my mail box. I, like you, have tried to use my spam blocker, but that tends to miss all the shit I want it to catch and sends letters from my friends and loved ones into a file for deletion.

Now being asked if I would like a bride from Russia or if I would like three inches added to my penis or if I would like to watch Paris Hilton have sex with someone does tend to get on my nerves. However, not nearly as bad as you bastards that keep sending me FWD:'s that if I do not respond to in a matter of minutes horrible things will happen to me. Usually attached is some horrible "news story" in which a man was eaten alive by a bald eagle or some such thing because he only forwarded his chain letter to 5 people insted of the demanded 7!

So for those of you "Forwarders", know this... I have broken every single chain that has been sent to me. It is my goal to be in the guiness book of world records for most chains broken. Further, I will continue to try and get everyone on the same sheet of music by preaching the following:

1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true". Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit", does not actually make it true.

2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hellbent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see: And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have." That's "none" as in "zero". Not even your friend's cousin.

3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at: Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.

4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate co-workers and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb

5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter?

6. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with virii. Try: . And even then, don't forward it. We don't care.

7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you're probably going to Hell.

8. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.

9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ">" that begin each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times - I've probably already seen it.

10. Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no longer a "little boy" either.

I am sure that with as many chains as I have broken a natural disasters of unseen proportion shall hit my house and kill me. I would imagine it will be in some extraordinary fasion like a tornado that hit a papper mill, a salt mine and a lemon farm will spin around me until I die from paper cuts. FINE. I accept that. The rest of you however, may want to keep your distance from me.

Just FYI, those of you who send me funny stuff, may continue to FWD me things. Also the Paris Hilton videos are ok as well.

FINAL REVIEW: Friends don't forward to friends unless its porn or something funny. Pass it on.

Warlord Jayde
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