I never said I was Alfred Einstein

A few weeks back I found that my roommate and I share an affinity for Pepperoncini . I was tipped off when I found in our refridgerator were two jars of the things. As predators of our size often do, Raynor and I bumped into each other in the feedng grounds and we both began to plop whole pepperoncini down out throats. On one such occasion a devious little joke jumped into my head. I decided I was going to booby trap a pepperoncini.
That should be good for some laughs, BRILLIANT!
I snuck down to the kitchen, removed his jar, found myself a subject and prepared for the operation. I placed the pepperoncini on a cutting board and with a razor gently made an incesion. I then took hot peppers and stuffed the little bastard until it was packed full. I replaced him and made sure I remember what it looked like.
Over the course of the next few days I watched with child like eyes each time I say Raynor eat a pepperoncini, yet each time nothing seemed to happen. After about a week I checked the jar and the booby trapped pepperoncini was definately done. I chuckled to myself thinking I must have missed the excitement and he simply ate it when I wasn't looking.
The next few days I must have made a million silly little hot pepper jokes and quips trying to get a reaction from him. But nothing.
Eventually I just broke down and asked him about it. What I had failed to take into consideration with this little prank was the amazing digestive ability of the Hawaiian Super Chomper. Apparently, I was foiled by hollow muscled organ within the gastrointestinal track of a machine....the perfect eating machine.
After all my hard work, he didn't even notice! DAMMIT!
Still, I told the failed joke to my female who chastized me about it and added it to the list of things I can't do.
Sooooooo.....since I have been asked for it...here is a new list of things I can't do:
When hung up on by an angry customer I will not *69 them and non chalantly say, "We appeared to have been disconnected. However, I have all your important information on my computer and was able to find you this fast. Is there anything else I can help you with?"
I will not shuffle around in my socks on the carpet and prove to children that I AM "THOR GOD OF THUNDER!"
When asked by women what I would do with their snotty 2 year old brat I will not respond, "Send him to Tailand, business class, and let him make some real money".
When asked for my vast experience in childhood behavior as to what will help her child calm down, I will not respond "Exorcism"
I am not allowed to forward collection calls from Chase Visa to India so they can see first hand the bang up job india is doing with their complaint calls.
When told on the phone that "This is an effort to collect a debt and this call may be monitored" I will not reply with "Cool, now you and the FBI have something in common".
Children are not Satan's greatest gift to man
I may not raffle off children whose parents are not watching them
I will not refer to men who come in by themselves with children as having "Feminine Issues"
I will not tell children I don't like that Santa hates them
When asked by desperate single mothers as to what I did prior to this I will not respond with "In flight Missle Mechanic".
I will not trip running children to help explain to Jayde the principles of gravity
I will not answer the shop phone as "Child Protective Services" and when they say they called the wrong number say "No, no, I was calling you".

Ok...enough for now.