I got suspended

Yesterday I sat in my office going over the figures for this past year. It had been an excellent year. That's when it happened. That's when I made a monsterous error in judgment.........I began to gloat over the huge accomplishments I had achieved this year. I was 1 in almost every catagory and I allowed myself to feel good for a minute. BIG MISTAKE!

As if the gods of business felt my goody goody feeling and decided I must be punished for my moment of happiness. Three ivory tower dwellers descended on my office and sent me home with a phrase that ended "Effective Immediately". I was told that I was being placed on "Administrative Leave", which is about the same as being suspended from High School. Basically, I get a couple days off with pay. Of course when you get suspended you normally get to go back to school and in my case I could get fired. The strange thing is I have no idea why, other than the ominous "Someone made a complaint" statement that was given to me.

So today as I wait for my triumphant return or dismal execution there is little to do other than look for a new job....which is not much fun....or I can make fun of work, which sounded way more fun.

Thus today I shall bring you Alexander's Laws of Business:

1. Office hours hours should be from 8:00 to 8:01. As I have noted that my staff seem to get the majority of the days work done last minute.

2. Since you are going to have to eat it...remember...A shit sandwich always tastes better with more bread!

3. The more crap you take, the more will be placed upon you!

4. The last person to quit or be fired will amazingly be blamed for a mountain of issues that seem unrelated.

5. Computer errors are only ever detectable by the user.

6. No matter how good a price you get when purchasing, it will immediately drop right before you boss sees your invoice for it.

7. Wednesday is the healthiest day of the week. NO ONE EVER GETS SICK ON A WEDNESDAY. Unless it is a holiday.

8. Disaster is always proportionate to the distance your boss is from your office.

9. If you are at the top of the business pyramid no one will see you until you fall off.

10. If you give a perfect presentation you will trip on your way back to your seat.

11. If you have exhausted all possibilities with an intense amount of work; one simple solution will always present itself at the worst possible time.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is coffee's attraction to a clean white pressed shirt.

13. Important paperwork tends to be strongest at the perferations.

14. Employees working in dangerous areas have two speeds, too fast and not at all.

15. A $17,000 printer will "blow" just in time to save your $4.95 power strip.

16. Teamwork is essential...it gives you more people to blame

17. If you ask HR for help getting new people they tend to show up and fire people to motive everyone else.

18. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Bakersfield Securitas Security Officer and a car.

19. Every instruction that can be misunderstood....will be.

20. There is always a way....yours will just not work

21. The seriousness of a fire will be directly proportionate to the distace it is to a fire extinguisher

22. If you have just finished a joke about your boss, look behind you.

23. If you have a personality conflict with your boss it usually means he has the personality and you have a conflict.

24. Never be to bold in a company meeting...it irritates everyone around you

25. Anything you do can get you fired....including nothing.